I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
