my vag is so smooth its legendary
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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