Pregnant stripper...not hot.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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