Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
