I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
