i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
