Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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