I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
