??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
