broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
