Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
