i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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