IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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