I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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