It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
