If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
