I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
This is the prime rib incident all over again
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
