Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just google imaged poop.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
