I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Found your dick twin last night
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
