I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
