At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
