my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
