so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
