last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
