Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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