So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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