i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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