i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
