I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize