So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
