Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
