Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
