The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
