Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Found your dick twin last night
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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