I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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