I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
