did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
