My Higher Power is John Stamos
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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