Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
