my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
