I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
