I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
