Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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