Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
