I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize
