Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
