Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
