Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
