you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
FUCK WHALES
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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