My sheets look like a crime scene.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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