I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
