you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
So squirting runs in the family.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
