my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
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