I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
